Private Gold #100 - Pornolympics The Anal Games

Pornolympics -- The Anal Games is here just in time to coincide with the real Olympic Games -- for future readers, we are talking about the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing. In some ways, Pornolympics represents an idealized vision of the Olympic Games as they should be -- for instance, the competitors spend most of their time naked, taking away the sort of minute advantages in equipment and clothing that you get when one country develops a design or material that represents a technical advance over the things another country is using. You won't see any of Speedo's LZR suits on the athletes in the Pornolympics -- it's all down to the effort of the individual. The Pornolympics are, in a very real way, what the ancient Greeks had in mind when they held the historic games -- a competition to honor the gods, and to test the possibilities of human achievement.

Ha ha! Just kidding! Honor the gods. You slay me. Pornolympics is a dressed-up series of orgies with a framing conceit that involves a female sportscaster who announces each of the events and ends up in a heat of her own. There is no plot, no continuity, and no real way to determine the winners or losers of any given competition -- but the truth is that (as you might have guessed) it doesn't really matter who wins or loses. It is only in the most superficial way about anything but piles of Eastern European girls getting fucked constantly in every hole by scads of Eastern European guys. Sure, they're in gyms and pools (and I have to tell you, there's some nasty staph going around -- I'm a little worried about these people. These are supposed to be the top athletes in the world, and they're not taking the kinds of precautions they should take against infections) and they perform what, if you are being charitable, you can describe as athletic feats - they run, they ride bicycles, they mud-wrestle, and they dogpaddle -- but the Olympic part of the title is clearly less relevant than the Porn part.

All told,. 22 girls (Adrianna Ruso, Black Angelika, Cherry Jul, Dorina Golden, Jasmine Rouge, Jeny Baby, Kathy Campbel, Lea Lexis, Lucy Belle, Lulu Martinez, Misty Mild, Sai-Taiger, Sandra Black, Sera Passion, Simony Diamond, Stella Delcroix, Tea Blonde, Terri Summers, Veronica Sanchez, Britney, Gina Blonde and Veronica) are in this movie, although to tell you the truth, I can't even begin to distinguish them. The Pornolympics should take a hint from the real Olympics and get some fancy GE graphics -- tags to tell you the names of the players, since the only other way to distinguish them is by fanatical tattoo-spotting, which I just don't have the time for.

Before the fucking proper starts, there's a brief scene with the girl who plays the sportscaster -- she looks sort of Asian, and my guess (again, from tattoo evidence and from a faith in the nature of porn names) is that this is Sai-Taiger, as she is listed in the credits (her real porn name appears to be Sai Tai Tiger). Whoever she is, she is upset that the plans for the broadcast are not going as planned. That is the last we hear of that. It's followed by a scene in which a guy who was talking to her on the phone fucks a blonde by a pool, and now we're into the territory in which I can't even begin to identify the stars. However, scene by scene, this is what you get: a mudwrestling scene in which a contest between a blonde and a brunette devolves into a muddy threesome with a guy; a swimming match (allegedly in Ibiza) with two blondes and two brunettes giving head to guys at the end of each lap, followed by a four-swimmer/four-guy poolside orgy; a two-blonde/two-brunette bicycle race with dildos on the seats and pit stops for lube and an orgy at the finish line (Marseilles); a topless footrace -- three brunettes and a blonde -- that appears to be a sort of biathlon except with no skis and cocksucking instead of target shooting at the checkpoints (Cuba) and an orgy at the finish line; and finally, a three-blonde/three-brunette orgy without a finish line -- it purports to be some sort of gymnastic event, but except for the fact that it takes place in a gymnasium of sorts that's as far as that goes. As the referee says, "Da unly wooleez, who com lasd will be da uinere." He follows that up with "Blowjub…and of corz, deep trote…for deeting." There is a whole lot of blowjubbing going on after that, but it doesn't stop there, and the resultant orgy, with officials stalking the gym, takes us almost all the way to the end of the movie. The only thing left is the commentator, Sai-Taiger, wrapping up, and taking, apparently at the behest of viewers around the world, six popshots on or near the face from the excited broadcast crew.

Pornolympics -- The Anal Games is here just in time to coincide with the real Olympic Games -- for future readers, we are talking about the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing. In some ways, Pornolympics represents an idealized vision of the Olympic Games as they should be -- for instance, the competitors spend most of their time naked, taking away the sort of minute advantages in equipment and clothing that you get when one country develops a design or material that represents a technical advance over the things another country is using. You won't see any of Speedo's LZR suits on the athletes in the Pornolympics -- it's all down to the effort of the individual. The Pornolympics are, in a very real way, what the ancient Greeks had in mind when they held the historic games -- a competition to honor the gods, and to test the possibilities of human achievement.... Read the Full Review!