Private Gold #94 - Quad Desert Anal Fury

One of the good things about porn is that no matter what you're looking for, you always get porn. Even if you pick up a movie hoping to see a hilarious comedy or a beautiful love story and your funny or your romantic fails to materialize, you still get to sit back and watch beautiful people fucking for the better part of two hours, in much the same way that Star Wars fans who waited close to 20 years for the first trilogy could sink into their seats and stroke their bruised expectations to the sight of Natalie Portman or those awesomely silly but oh-so-cool droids that came out of rolling balls and shot stuff. Speaking of which, Quad Desert Anal Fury.

As is always the case with a Private movie, it does not make as much sense as it looks like it should, but it is inarguably populated with hot European pornstars who appear ready to do anything at all. There are some quads, and a place that looks kind of scrubby but is definitely not desert, and there is some anal, but there is no fury at all, unless you count a man calling a couple of women bitches as fury. However, the cover promised nothing at all, not even the usual brief plot summation that usually accompanies a Private epic, so there is no way to be disappointed with Quad Desert Anal Fury unless you do it to yourself.

The story goes like this: A girl rides through the "desert" on a four-wheeled vehicle (these are the quads of the title; there are no multiple amputees in the movie); her progress is marked on a 1930s-style map like the ones that show you where the planes are going in Raiders of the Lost Ark. As she rides her quad through terrain features like Dead Man Canyon, Palm Trees Corridor, and the Ginger and Mia Stones (passing along the way Men Breaker Mountain, which one assumes is where Private Man films are made), she causes, witnesses, or participates in a number of sexual adventures with the denizens and frequenters of what the map says is the Big Kalashi Desert (if the map is to be believed, there are scorpions -- or possibly lobsters -- in the Big Kalashi that run to a quarter-mile long or so).

As she rides through the Palm Trees Corridor, Vanessa May stops to check her map and is accosted by some sort of anchorite, a fellow in a robe who appears mysteriously to tell her how odd the palm trees are and to tell her that their mutual friend David passed by there a couple of weeks ago. Vanessa quads on her way, and the guy watches her go until his wife (Natalia Zeta, a Spanish brunette with big boobs and a pierced nipple) comes out and inquires as to whether there is anyplace in the world that she can leave him alone without him hitting on women. There probably isn't, but he demonstrates his love by fucking her in the ass on a blanket.

Once out of Palm Trees Corridor, Vanessa takes a right just after the Baguar Mountains, which is where she finds the Ginger and Mia Stones. We find out in flashback (I think) that the stones are so named because that is where the mapmaker (one begins to suspect that he is the aforementioned David) stopped to have sex with two girls, presumably named Ginger and Mia. In real life, the two girls are named Lady Mai (a Filipina with very small breasts and a pretty face) and Claudia Rossi (a tall, slender brunette with medium-sized tits), and they are much softer looking than the rocks named after them. David rewards their patience during his sketching activities by fucking them both in the ass on a blanket.

After the flashback, Vanessa continues to quad, ending up in Dead Man Canyon, where she stops for a little break; when she turns her vehicle off, she hears the faint sounds of sweet love coming from a nearby gully. She creeps over behind a bush to watch the action, from whence she observes Emili Doll (exotic and raven-haired, with a thick braid) and Jennifer Love (a busty blonde) getting fucked by a guy. He does not have a blanket, so he cannot fuck them in the ass, but he does a good job with what he has available (two pussies).

Vanessa carries on driving until she stops for water, only to find out she has none left (her canteen is totally empty, which you would think she would have noticed the last time she drank from it, unless she just started out with no water, in which case she deserves what she gets). The sun gets to her, and she faints, only to be approached by two men wearing only loincloths (one assumes they are members of some aboriginal tribe of white men who have lived in the desert for years uncounted and know enough to carry plastic water bottles in their loincloths). As a reward for bringing her water and saving her life, she allows them to have sex with her, and they fuck her in the ass; since it a dream sequence, it is okay that they did not bring a blanket.

Four other people are out quadding in the Great Kalashi today -- Judith Fox (slender, with a face like a thirties pinup), Regina Ice (a Romanian blonde who looks like the only one of the women in this movie who might live longer than a couple of hours in the desert, mainly because she is wearing a khaki shirt with extra pockets) and two guys (one of whom sounds like what you would get if you cross-bred Chip and Dale from The Chipmunks with Apu from The Simpsons). All four of them strip down and start fucking, and although Judith allows her man to fuck her in the ass without a blanket, Regina is not wholly lost to decency, and she makes the guys lay out a blanket before granting access to her dumper. Once the niceties are out of the way, Judith takes a double penetration -- apparently there is only so far she will go without a blanket.

The guy who doesn't sound like a Chipmunk is on his way back to camp when he stops for a pee and finds Vanessa next to her quad -- either the loincloth guys were a dream or they just took off and left her there, disgusted by her willingness to have anal sex without a blanket -- and hauls her back to his tent, where he puts her on a blanket but does not have anal sex with her. When David shows up, the two are reunited -- apparently she has been following the man she loves as he cats around in the desert -- and they ride off into the sunset. Before they get to the sunset, though, they stop to have some anal sex on a blanket.

One of the good things about porn is that no matter what you're looking for, you always get porn. Even if you pick up a movie hoping to see a hilarious comedy or a beautiful love story and your funny or your romantic fails to materialize, you still get to sit back and watch beautiful people fucking for the better part of two hours, in much the same way that Star Wars fans who waited close to 20 years for the first trilogy could sink into their seats and stroke their bruised expectations to the sight of Natalie Portman or those awesomely silly but oh-so-cool droids that came out of rolling balls and shot stuff. Speaking of which, Quad Desert Anal Fury.... Read the Full Review!